Help Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi you`re my only hope!

I love Christmas, truly I do. Friends, who have known me for years, we wont go into how long, so I don’t start to feel too old here, will tell you I am a Christmas Freak. I shop on Black Friday, bright and early at 3am. I start baking cookies the first week of November, my house inside and out is decorated before Thanksgiving Day, and I spend more money on my kids than the gross national Product of many small countries combined. I spend all of November and December making lists and checking them twice, sending Christmas cards, wrapping and baking and cooking oh my.

Needless to say, you couldn’t find another living soul that loves the holiday season as much as I, however I have always had a bone to pick with one particular part of Christmas, actually it is a particular song, one of the holiday standard favorites actually, a song that since I was a little girl never made sense to me.

The song I am speaking of is “The 12 days of Christmas”. For one thing let’s start right off the bat here, with my number one question, why is my true love so fucking weird? I mean why am I dating a guy who would send me a partridge in a pear tree, French hens, and 7 swimming swans? Wouldn’t a nice diamond necklace or perhaps tickets to a show be a little sweeter, not to mention easier to find? Where in the hell am I storing these gifts, I don’t exactly have a lake in my backyard, or a barn, aren’t these a little impractical?  Not to mention slightly unoriginal, one bird ok, but several birds of different types, you couldn’t have put a little more thought into my gifts?

I mean really what stores does this guy shop in? And don`t tell me the Internet has everything, first of all I know it does, I actually googled all of the items in the song, although finding Lord`s a Leaping was not easy, unless of course you were looking for an exotic dancer to dress as a Lord a Leaping, that believe it or not was easy to find. But this song was made long before the Internet was a gleam in Al Gore`s eye, so you can`t use that.

To be honest and fair to this demented boyfriend of mine, some of the gifts aren’t that bad. The golden rings are nice and I guess turtle doves are kind of romantic, sort of reminds me of the guy inthe movie The Birds who is buying love birds for his sister, of course look how that turned out.

However, some are just over the top and completely unnecessary, boarding on psychotic. Why would I want 9 ladies dancing? Do I look like I am in to lap dances; is this a gift for me or for him? And the lords a Leapin? I love gay guys, don’t get me wrong, but I certainly don’t want one for a present from my lover. Let`s talk about the 8 maids a milking. Look honey, if we are dating, the only maid that should be milking around you is me, and that’s only if I`ve just had your baby and you ask me nicely, otherwise this one is just a little too kinky for me to accept.

Then of course we go back to the birds, this guy seems awfully interested in birds. If I was dating someone like this, it would most likely make me think twice about what kind of odd fetishes he may have. Come on, the doves were cute, but then laying geese, swimming swans, French hens and calling birds, my house would look like the bottom of an aviary in no time. I would begin to wonder about a man who kept giving me all these birds if you know what I mean.

Now onto the oddest, or shall I say oddest choice for a lover to buy his girlfriend. 12 drummers drumming and for that matter the pipers piping, although only to a lesser extent. First off, 12 drummers isn’t that a little over kill? I would never hear again, how romantic is that, “Here sweetheart, I have given you the gift of deafness”….actually some men reading this right now are wondering to themselves if that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Sorry, I digressed.

My point about the drummers isn’t exactly the fact that this would blow my ear drums out, as much as, what would this boyfriend of mine be thinking, giving me 12 drummers? Has he ever seen a rockband, does he have any idea of their reputations? Especially with women? Has he never met Tommy Lee? Are you begging her to cheat on you on with a hot rocker guy with a bigger dick than yours? Actually 12 of them? Come on.

So here is my list, much more modern and if I do say so myself, a definite way to win my heart. I wont keep repeating them all as the song does, I will just go from 12 down, if you want to sing it be my guest, otherwise just read and enjoy. Oh and Merry Christmas.
12 – copies of Star Wars on Blu-Ray
11- Tape recordings of my son doing all his funny voices and skits (because the kids cracks me the hell up)
10-dozen anti-bitch pills for my daughter( if you knew her you`d understand)
9- Life size Stormtroopers from the J. Peterman Catalog (don’t ask, you probably don’t want to know why)
8- Machine Guns for the front of my car (so I can shoot the shit out of everyone else on the road, because they don’t know how to drive)
7- laptops (because you can never have too many, and I can never be more than four feet from a computer)
6-pocketbooks (because I always put way too much in them and they break three days after I buy them)
5-books for each room in my house (because I am obsessive and must have a book within arms reach at all times)
4-divorce attorneys (because apparently I am always in need of one)
3- weeks of vacation away from my kids ( this one I think is self-explanatory)
2- full scale models of the Millennium Falcon (again, don`t ask, I dont think you want to know what I want to do with them, or more to the point in them)
and Harrison Ford naked and tied down to my bed.

Found this on the internet and loved it, thought I would pass it along to all of you.

http://www.doubleviking.com/the-top-15-han-solo-quotes-you-need-to-use-in-regular-conversation-5215-p.html

Now for those men that read the last blog I did on the grass being greener on other husbands and the list who will inevitably ask me what I would offer to this illusive third husband, let me give you yet another list. Fair is fair after all and I am nothing if not honest about my own shortcomings and annoying habits.

We will start with the things you will have to live with. The things I know are weird idiosyncrasies; the flaws that make me, me. Like I said, I can point the finger at me as much as I can point it at the men I have been with and/or married in my life. So here it goes.

I am slightly obsessive-compulsive about making sure the windows and doors are closed at night, so much so I may check them at least three times, and may ask you to do so as well. After asking you, I may even get up and check anyway because unfortunately for you the last few men I lived with had a tendency to lie to me about it, so my trust isn’t exactly there.

I cannot sleep in a bed that has an open bottom. By that I mean if it isn’t a captain’s bed I tend to shove lots of stuff under the bed. The reason for this may seem silly but since I am nothing if not self-deprecating here it goes. Friday the 13^th, the original scared the hell out of me. Well actually only one scene did. The one where Kevin Bacon has just finished having sex with his girlfriend (which of course is mistake number on in those movies) and is lying in bed waiting for her to come back from the bathroom. The next thing you know Jason spears him through the neck from under his bed and kills him. Scared the bejesus out of me and I never got over it, so I always make sure no one can hide under my bed and kill me, by making sure lots of things are under there so they cant fit. By the way on a side note, is bejesus a word? Because Microsoft word says it isn’t, just curious, after all I have been using that phrase for years, so it would be nice to know.

Continuing on, strange bed thing number two. I must sleep farthest from the door. I don’t have a side per se, just as long as it is the side farthest from the door that is all I care about. Why you ask? Well, that one is easy, if a burglar or murderer comes in the house he will most likely attack the first body in the bed before the one farthest from him, which of course would be you in this scenario if you were sleeping with me. So while he is attacking you I can escape, grab the kids and survive. Now don’t worry I would call the police immediately to try and save you, but if you end of sacrificing yourself for me because you slept closest to the bedroom door, well thanks…and I’m sorry.

Ok moving on here is a list of a few other things I come with as package. I am addicted to nose spray, have been all my life, and I cannot live without it. I have bottles of it everywhere from my car, to my office, my nightstand etc. I smoke, and at the moment have no intentions to quit, and I tend to male bash in public. Now this one some men I have been with hated, but others have put up with it, because in private I was different. As long as I trusted you and felt loved and secure, my personal feelings for you would be separate from the man bashing joking I do in public. First off, I have a lot of material, as my father has stated many times in the year since my last separation I suck at picking men, so I am ripe with man bashing material. Second, its all in jest, I am funny, and I tend to be sarcastic; it is my way. As long as you know personally I love and respect you, then you shouldn’t feel upset or threatened and if you do, we don’t belong together anyway.

I hate to lose. One of my many male traits I will be the first to acknowledge I have. I play video games to win and will gladly kick your ass and dance around the room to celebrate it when I do. In the outside world I tend to be a control freak, love being in charge and voicing my opinion and getting my way. Inside however, in a relationship I tend to like the man to be in charge, it’s a nice change actually and I have a thing for being submissive in that aspect. So as long as you can handle the tough controlling attitude in public, you will reap the rewards in the bedroom. Of course most of them men I have been with loved this aspect of my personality until we were married and then suddenly expected it to end. I never understood why, but then again I gave up trying to figure men out a long time ago.

Back to those male traits of mine; I drive like Mario Andretti (does that reference date me by the way), I weave in and out of lanes, curse and gesture wildly, speed like a demon and will cut off a truckload of nuns if they are in my way. I can be loud, tend to get drunk if I am drinking, like to embarrass people I know in public for laughs from time to time, can be sexually aggressive, and can be extremely stubborn. But, once again, behind closed doors I tend to different. I have always told people I had several different personalities living inside of me all of which fight for control at different times, and I think this proves it. Behind closed doors, for a very select few people who have seen it, I am shy, quiet and like to be led. I like to be seduced and treated like a girl who knows nothing about sex. I have found very few men in my life that can deal with this duplicity in the long term. Obviously since I have been married twice and dated extensively in between, lets not go into numbers here, but its definitely double digits.

I like to look like the tough no nonsense hard ass that I like to be to everyone I meet. But I also like to be coddled and protected, taken care of, made to feel secure and safe and loved and wanted. I must stop here for a moment to dwell on the fact that I just admitted that, I don’t tell many people, I’m not really comfortable doing so, and will probably deny that I did later on. As a matter of fact, I think I will deny it now. 

Ok, since I am on a roll lets see what else I can tell you to scare you away. Well, I am stuck in the eighties as far as music is concerned, I tend to wear all my shirts low enough to show off my boobs, I have a healthy or unhealthy depending on your point of view obsession with Star Wars and you will have to deal with the fact that Harrison Ford is a god no matter how old he gets. I have at least one book in each room of my house so I can read one of them at any time. I also tend to use the back pages of said books to write down notes and telephone numbers since they are always handy. So I need to rip these out or copy the notes and scratch them off the books before I loan them to someone. I know, it would be easier to get a pad, but old habits die-hard and I have been doing this one for years.

I can be completely unreasonable when it comes to things I would like my man to do in a relationship such as, not hang his dirty underwear on my bedroom doorknob, take out the trash, mow the lawn occasionally, help keep the house looking relatively clean, and by this I mean if you see dog vomit on the carpet, don’t step over it, or better yet, put a piece of paper towel on it and then wait for me to find it and clean it up. Here’s an unreasonable pet peeve for you, please don’t clip your toenails in the living room and then put the clipped nails in the ashtray. Do you have any idea how disgusting it is to go to take a drag out of your cigarette and find your husband’s toe nail hanging from it? That one definitely ranks up there as something I rather not have to see again in my lifetime.

I like it when you actually remember my birthday once every five years or so would be fine, I don’t expect big gifts or vacations, but a card or a happy birthday would be nice. For that matter, other holidays would be nice too, Christmas, perhaps a valentines day, a mothers day, you don’t even have to do them all, one or two would be fine with me, and a nice difference from the last husband I had who boycotted all holidays, and couldn’t remember a date to save his life. I even married him on New Years Eve so he could remember the date and instead for years when someone asked him our anniversary date he would say either the 30^th or the 1^st, so much for that idea.

I like to have time to myself. This doesn’t mean I hate you, or am having an affair, it means I like to have time to myself. Whether it be to read, or surf the Internet, I like to have my me time. Of course instead of hiding away and leaving me alone forever because you are a big baby and don’t like that I like and can find things to do on my own, you could come in after a little while and see if you can peak my interest in another activity. Wow I just re-read that sentence and it is dripping with sarcasm and unchecked anger, guess I still have some issues over the last time around, then again if you knew it all I doubt you would blame me. Read the dark side blogs for some real insight into the hell that has been my life the last few years, after that you will wonder how I have managed to stay as sane and normal as I have.

Well there is my list. I know I ended up once again sarcastically bitching about men, but old habits die hard what can I say. Oh, by the way I found bejesus in the urban dictionary so I am feeling better that it is actually a word. Just wanted to let you know.